i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
