mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
