Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I understand Curling. That high.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize