Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
