No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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