Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
