sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
