i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
