I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
