Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
