So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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