RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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