I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
dude. I can hear the air.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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