Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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