I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
