i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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