So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
