The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The beer is more important than you right now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
