While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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