So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
