Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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