Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
