There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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