every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
