I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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