Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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