woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my poor anus
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
