my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
