he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
worst night to have a conscience
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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