We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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