he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
