the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
