So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
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While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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