i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
