I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
