Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My room smells like vodka and shame
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
