I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's get the cat blown out
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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