This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
