I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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