I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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