Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
