you traded sex for a burrito?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
