Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
