how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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