I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
