I met the friendliest cop last night
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
