Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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