don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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