i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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