you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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