Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just pee around me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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