Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
