"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
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Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.