I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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