The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
