oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Farmville is her only friend.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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