So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
