Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
