i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
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Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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