there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
