i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted