I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo